and so it's true. i'm no longer the apple of his eye. i thought i hadn't been for two months last summer, but apparently, i was. he wanted me back, and i wanted him back. he was afraid of being hurt, and i was afraid of being rejected. my timing was off. now it was time to move on. moved on three times after that, and now i know better. i still wander over in his direction, thinking, maybe. i asked once if he still loved me, and he said sure. e-mail is the worst way to say you love someone. he never said it to my face. it was as if my relationship with him didn't exist outside of this box. there was only once i felt giddy (truly in love, maybe?). i had a waterfight with someone and he smiled at me because he liked to see me smile or something. then someone walked into the classroom and said, "he looked strangely happy. i don't think i've seen him smile before." i laughed. i mean, i really laughed. now suddenly, i'm in a heap of a situation where i think he still loves me while i think i love someone else. it's a mess. i need to clean it up. my room's dirty too, and i don't want to clean it up. it's my messy lovely chaos and havoc of a bedroom. i look back, and i know where exactly my backpack and its contents are sprawled on the floor. it's that simple.